First is the Worst, Second is Not Much Better

I admit, there are some stories that I started writing that I wish I could forget I ever began.  Whether the plot was terrible, the characters were garbage, or I forgot what grammar was that day, I wish they didn't exist.  However, I wrote two truly awful stories when I first began writing that to this day I still love purely for their comedic value.

The first one I wrote was in the 5th grade, and it was just the worst.  It is the most obvious mash-up of rip-offs possible, stealing things from Superman, Power Rangers, and I think Sailor Moon or something.  It is terrible.

The second story that I really put effort into was from the 7th grade - oh, the dreaded middle school years - and I only worked on it during study hall periods or when class finished early and we had to just sit there.  It was based on a story that I began years before when I played with my beloved Bratz dolls with my best friends Alayna and Carrina.  We would have 3 day long sleepovers where we played with those dolls for hours, making up all kinds of convoluted nonsensical stories with superheroes, adventurers, and long lost princesses.

This particular 49 page front and back story was about a brother and sister - twins - who were each famous for something, and moved to Los Angeles to... become even more famous, I think?  Honestly, I could not tell you.  They make friends with characters that were originally Alayna and Carrina's doll characters, fall in love, and also have superhero drama.  I'm also pretty sure the main character started dating Jesse McCartney, or some weird fake version of him, at some point.  You remember him, right?  The Justin Bieber of 2005?

Also, as I've been reading through this story, I've become slightly worried that the main character is not all there...  She is not...  Something's not right.  So, I apologize for her.  And for the grammar mistakes.  They are awful.  Be warned, there are also lots of descriptions of clothes that the Bratz dolls actually wore, so that's something.

So, I'm going to share some of this horrible story with you guys.  I hope that it makes you laugh as much as it makes me snort laugh and wonder what was wrong with me.  And remember, practice helps with writing as much as it does anything else.  That, and learning grammar and punctuation rules really help.  I am typing this story up, and I will not change any grammar or mistakes just to give you a more accurate and hilarious story.  It made my head hurt while typing it up, so beware.

The monstrosity in all its glory. 

Ohiko and Tiana

It may sound pretty weird, but my best friend is a rockstar.  My best friend is… none other than my brother!

My brother and I are half Japanese and half America.  My mom is American and my dad is Japanese.  Our names a mixture of both cultures.  My full name is Tiana Fiana Yoshityoto-Thomson.  But most people call me “Tiana Thomson Tennis Champ”.  My brother’s name is a bit more confusing.  Ohiko Tiyeto Yoshityoto-Thomson.  But everyone refers to him as “Ohiko the Japanese Rockstar.”

We live in the town of Tourens, Rhode Island.  But our parents say we need to move to Los Angeles.  I’m not so sure.  All of our lives we’ve lived here and I don’t want to move to the “city of stars”.  I swear, the next time someone tells me to I’ll a…um…uh… hit ‘em with… my tennis racket!  No, seriously!

“T.  Come on T, we gotta go!” yelled by brother Ohiko, who I sometimes call O.

He sometimes call me T.

It’s just great how my parents have kicked us out and gave us the money to…Los Angeles.  Ohiko is making me go, I don’t wanna!  My best friend, Tia and Ohiko were going out and they had to break up.  It was a really sad break-up. 

We are in the loading station right now and I’ve bought 5 magazines to read.  I hope nothing happens to my tennis racket or I’ll tell Ohiko and he’ll hurt somebody!!  Yay!

I’ve heard about this pizza place called ‘Pizza Palace’ and it’s supposed to be really good.  Ohiko and I will have to try it, I guess.  Hey, I mist as well take advantage of Los Angeles.  I’ll make O go shopping so I can go get a new tennis outfit.  Something like a white miniskirt that’s somewhat layered.  The top should be a collared tank top with colorful stripes and I want blue and white tennis shoes. 

I like Ohiko.  Ohiko is a great brother to me!  Were twins and he is great!  Ohiko and I are 21 and I love him lots.  To show it I tackle him to the ground or I jump and hug him.  He’s 6 foot 4 inches and I’m 5 foot 11 inches.  Most people who don’t know who we are think were dating, so I’ve missed out on a lot of boyfriends.  But that doesn’t bother me ‘cause I love Ohiko!  I don’t love Los Angeles!

Oh great, I’m squished between Ohiko and some old fat lady with a nametag that says Olga.  At least I’m sitting next to Ohiko.  I’ve almost read all 5 magazines and we haven’t even taken off.

“Ohiko, can you and I switch places?  I don’t want to sit next to Olga.”

“Fine T.”

Yay, I get the window seat!  I pulled out my ipod nano and started listening to Ohiko’s best song, ‘Rock Around’.

I looked out the window, and we were moving!  Yay!

“Ohiko, we’re moving!” I exclaimed.

“Yeah Tiana, that’s what planes do.”

“Really?” I asked.  “I thought they flew.”

“Yes T, they fly.  But when there still on the ground they roll, so they move.” he explained.

“Well that’s stupid.”

“Dang it T!” he exclaimed turning to face the seat in front of him.

Stupid rockstars, too much emotion and I don’t like it.  They have big feelings.  He should try tennis.  You can whack the crap out of something that way.  I pushed skip on my ipod so that Jesse Koline’s “Lovely Girl” played.

“Your not listening to Jesse again are you?” Ohiko asked sarcastically. 

“Yes I am O.  Yay!” I replied.

“Lord, take me now!” Ohiko said playing around, looking at the ceiling.

“Meanie Ohiko.” I said.

I stuck my tongue out at him.

“That’s not very nice Tiana.”

I looked out the window and we were in the air!  I’m flying!  Ohiko can fly!  Like Superman…really he can…..I said so!

“Hi Ohiko!  I love you!”

“That’s nice Tiana.”

“I know!” I exclaimed. 

“Lovely Girl” was over and “Crazy Girl” by Simple Plan played.  Yay!

As the hours passed I fell asleep.  My ipod played almost all 900 songs it contained.  The place was landing and I was still asleep. 

“Tiana, wake up!” Ohiko poked me.  “Please!  I’m sick of your snoring.”

“Huh…what?” I asked.

“You were snoring again.  The plane’s landing.” Ohiko answered.

“Yay!” I cheered. 

I looked out the window, and the ground was falling up!  Wait, no I was falling down, no wait…… Oh, I don’t care.  Screw it.

“Attention all passengers.” the pilot said over the loudspeaker.  “Please do not unbuckle your seatbelt until the sign is turned off.  Also, thank you for flying American Airlines.”

A couple minutes later we got off the place and walked to the baggage claim.  It’s a really big airport.  I’m off the plane, yay!

“Tiana, grab your bags.” Ohiko said.

“Bags!  Yay!” I exclaimed. 

“Why me, why me?” Ohiko said shaking his head.

“You love me, right Ohiko?”

“Whatever you say T.”

“Yay!” I jumped up and down.  “Ohiko loves me!  ‘Cause he said whatever you say.  Yay!!”

“Help me God!” Ohiko exclaimed.

“I love God too Ohiko!  Yay!”

“You don’t understand T, do you?”

“What is there to understand?” I asked my brother who loves me lots.

“I give up.  Come here.” he stuck up his arms.

I left my bags on the ground and jumped up.  I tackled Ohiko to the ground.

“I meant a hug, not a tackle.”

“Same difference in my language.”

“I know.” he replied.

We stood up.

“Yay!”

“Yay what?” Ohiko asked.

“I don’t know.” I shrugged my shoulders. 

“Figures.”

“Come on Ohiko!”

“Okay I’m coming.”

Why am I telling Ohiko to come?  I don’t even want to be here.

“No wait, don’t come!”

“What the heck Tiana?”

“Let’s reverse and go back to Rhode Island!”

“No Tiana.”

“Darn you Ohiko.” I mumbled.

We walked out the airport doors.  I breathed in the warm California air.  I looked down at my tennis racket case.  This might not be too bad after all. 

If you made it through all that, I applaud you.  I typed up about 5 more pages after that and had to stop.  It gets worse.  So much worse.  There's random flying, everyone is an idiot, and I honestly don't know what the hell was wrong with me to write such garbage.  

But I've definitely improved since then.  And so can anyone who continues to write.  You will always get better.